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» Just Practicing For Next Month!, Go NaNoWriMo!
Kaylee McKell  |
Posted: Oct 24 2009, 08:33 PM
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Lite Member   Group: Undecided Posts: 50 Joined: 23-September 09 Member No.: 38  |
"I watch those around me. They seem to be all right. Everything seems perfectly fine. Fine, such a strange word for a strange time. I want to say so many things. I want to scream aloud. Nothing seems to be the right words. Nothing comes out. I hate where I am, but I can't change it. I drown myself in work, but it is all completed. I'm lost in nothing and everything. Where do I turn? How do we get out of this storm we've created? How can we get out of it without losing each other? Is there nothing I can do, but sit and watch as everything falls apart?"
So what do you think? Too many weirdness? I was going for confusing the reader to the point that they want to know what's going on while having an untrustworthy narrator. |
 
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| J Nathaniel Graves |
Posted: Oct 24 2009, 11:23 PM
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Visitor Group: Undecided Posts: 29 Joined: 23-June 09 Member No.: 34 |
Um...
It might just be because I'm crazy/super-intelligent (I still haven't decided which) and I rarely get confused, but there's nothing weird about that passage. |
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| Kaylee McKell |
Posted: Oct 25 2009, 09:09 AM
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Lite Member Group: Undecided Posts: 50 Joined: 23-September 09 Member No.: 38 |
Yeah okay. I was trying to make intrigue. Maybe I failed.
 Either way, it was still good practice. |
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| Espen Lee Tennant |
Posted: Oct 25 2009, 08:31 PM
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 Paragon  Group: Author Posts: 1,176 Joined: 26-February 08 Member No.: 3 |
Hmm, I guess I agree with both of ya'.
It certainly isn't "weird" or odd or off in anyway, but there is definitely an element on intrigue involved. So I think you did it! Yay! -------------------- Spokesman elect, scholar, emo poet, and all around nice guy... more or less
"I have complete confidence in the absurdity of whatever's going on right now" --John Stewart "A little humor in the greyness helps." ~May S. Cyrus |
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